Humans are naturally social creatures and require some sort of social connection and attachment throughout our lives. How we attach to others later on in life is largely dependent on relational patterns from our childhoods. Our early relationships with caregivers act as a blueprint to our adult attachment styles. Research suggests our early childhood relational experiences can dramatically affect the psychological and biological processes of the brain.
So, what does this mean? Depending on what relational trauma we have experienced, particularly as children, many of us evolve into individuals who become anxious and/or avoidant in our attachments. Many of us will also develop to feel secure in our attachments. It is also possible to work on our attachment styles so we can feel more secure. If the root of our adult attachment styles stems from our traumatic experiences, how do we know what was or was not traumatic? A common definition for trauma is anything less than nurturing. Although broad, this definition encapsulates the idea that a traumatic experience for one individual may not be traumatic for another. The effects may be different for each individual. Additionally, a variety of protective factors contribute to one individual's resiliency and another individual's lack of resiliency. Remember, everyone is different and there is nothing wrong with you if you have not learned how to form secure attachments yet. But it is possible! Secure characteristics: understand and value interdependence; e.g. “I can trust them to be there for me, and I also feel okay on my own.”
A strong sense of belonging, value, importance, worthiness
Ability to trust and communicate efficiently, compassionately, and productively; cultivate interest and curiosity about self and another; regulate emotions
Connectedness with thoughts and feelings
The presence of a safe haven: You know you can rely on another when you need them for comfort/support.
The presence of a secure base: You can be your own person and explore.
Anxious characteristics: intense desire for closeness, fear of abandonment, high levels of emotion, “one-down” position and behaviors, self-blame
Often develops in individuals who experienced abandonment or neglect as a child, or had a caregiver who was inconsistently available
The child learns to amplify their emotions to get what they need in order to survive
The child perceives their caregivers’ inability to provide emotional/physical support as their own fault
You perceive value is dependent on the approval of others
You are hypersensitive to the possibility of a threat to the relationship
Avoidant characteristics: wariness of intimacy, fear and/or uncomfortable with vulnerability, “one-up” behaviors, intense need for independence, inability to trust
Often develops in individuals who experienced enmeshment/parent-child role-reversal as a child, or caregivers who were dismissing/critical/rejecting
The child learns, in order to survive, they must suppress their own feelings and needs to maintain closeness to their caregivers
The child learns, when they do express a need for proximity and support, the caregiver responds with disapproval, frustration, and/or anger; the child learns not to ask for their needs
Disorganized: combination of avoidant & anxious tendencies
How do you show up?
Source:
Caldwell, J. (2012). Attachment theory and the developmental consequences of relational trauma. http://www.drjoncaldwell.com/?p=57
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